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Hi Emily,

Hi Emily,

I already have plans for the evening Thanks for the offer though! The politest fuck-off I’ve ever had spat at me. (I guess that makes me pretty lucky.) Politeness is gold in this line of work, traded and valued above all other metals So I am in no way surprised But That exclamation point 

Bites like a dog I trusted A brittle sardonic smile from someone who never shows his teeth A long bone needle tugged from the tangle of my every, every fuckup and jammed Right Back In; It’s an old pain, just An unexpected angle. When I tell him I am stressed, What I mean to say is I am looking death in his face; And when I tell him I like to talk to him, What I mean to say is I will give you my threads to pull, please take them, What I mean to say is Bring your gun, the small one that fits my stumpy hand, What I mean to say is I want you to sit with my body and wonder What I mean to say is Nothing I should really say nothing. Nothing weird, I say, making everything instantly weird, Even though I mean it. I should really say Nothing. … I already have plans for the evening, he says. Here I am, an adult woman, disbelieving you for no good reason Here I am, a woman, hating herself, go fucking figure Here I am, a girl again, knowing full well that no one says that in real life Here I am, a grown-ass bitch, dragging a shiny new sewing needle along my every angle again, like a girl again, Like a girl again, Crying my eyes bloody Like a girl Again I want to know who gave you this power (It was me, I did) And I want to know how to snatch it away again How to draw back the breath I’ve breathed, again, And like a girl, again, I know the swell and Draw of this old pain Falling into the old silvered channels; The backwards comfort of knowing I’ll never have to share it with another, The unswallowable satisfaction of knowing, Again, That no one else will ever have to carry my Uncarriable weight. … When I say I am homesick, What I mean to say is I am a dead tree Cut me down And when I say I love you What I mean to say is I already have plans for the evening.


 
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